Times like these i feel like i can get nothing right.

today my facebook fortune cookie read:

Love because it is the only true adventure.

I’m totally excited for the holidays! To be reunited with WeyChin and to have ‘legs’ and for us both to have 3 weeks free of work and school etc AWESOME. I miss you SO MUCH. I should be sleeping so that I can get some quality studying done tomorrow, but…I wanna go homeeee.

I’m grateful to have two half worlds.

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it ? 

Juliet says hey its romeo you nearly gimme a heart attack
Hes underneath the window shes singing hey la my boyfriends back
You shouldnt come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it ? 

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ? 

Come up on differents streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals ? 

Where you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin
Now you just says oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above Ill love you till I die
Theres a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

I cant do the talk like they talk on tv
And I cant do a love song like the way its meant to be
I cant do everything but Id do anything for you
I cant do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All do is keep the beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet Id do the stars with you any time

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above Ill love you till I die
Theres a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ? 

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it ?

1. Relax

Much easier said than done. I’ve been pushing myself to focus on studying hard too much lately. There is constant guilt and insecurities because I’m lagging behind my classmates. Instead of it being motivating, it has just been incredibly depressing. When I study, it is to ensure that I am better than others which really shouldn’t be how it is. I don’t enjoy what I do anymore but I want to, so my resolution is to relax.

To not worry so much about how I’m faring relative to others. To study at my own pace. To relax and really focus when I spend a few hours studying. To spend less time worrying! 

2. Read again

I haven’t read a good book in years I think. Somewhere along the way, routine life  set in and displaced reading. I should buy myself a good book and put aside time daily to read. And read on Sunday afternoons! Look at the state of my linguistic skills, the horror. Writing essays have never been more difficult, cause I know there’s a proper way to phrase things but I just can’t remember.

It’s always a pleasant surprise when you read a good book that nourishes the soul and tells stories that you’ve never heard before. So, yes, read! I need to buy myself a new book.

3. Go out more!

Sometimes by myself, sometimes with a friend or two. Something more than just a simple meal. Go out to a bookstore or to buy groceries and cook.  I think taking some time off to do these simple things will be healthy for me. I spend most of my free time sleeping  a waste of life! I honestly feel that I haven’t been making the most out of my life and youth. I don’t want to look back into nothingness and have no stories to tell. I don’t want hall to engulf me into its entirety. I don’t want to live each day full of guilt about things I’m not doing, or things I should be doing. 

Sometimes I think about how life was growing up, and I remember all these endearing details about what I did with my dad on weekends, and what I did with my mom, and my brothers. I remember funny things about friends and sleepovers and really long car rides and breakfasts. Now I’m by myself in a different place, older than before and I cannot rely on other people completely to build those memories for me anymore. I just know that I can be better for myself.

Today started off not so good. I woke up and realised that today is the tuition fee deadline and I had to pay up my fees today or I’ll get a late fee charge of $25. Hence, I dragged myself out of bed and went out to pay the fees. Since the Co-op was around the corner, I decided to also put my name down to purchase a printer that I’ve been eyeing for a few days. Imagine my horror when they told me that they’re no longer taking orders for it. Disappointed, I headed to Subway to buy myself some comforting double chocolate chip cookies. The day ahead seemed gloomy.

But then! it started raining and I had my compact umbrella in my bag. FINALLY, I got the chance to use the umbrella to shelter myself from the rain! After all the days of lugging an umbrella in my bag, it was finally justified by the rain today Aren’t you happy for me?

For more information regarding such daily updates on my regular life, please email me at ngkailing28@gmail.com.

To Josephine at Genoa,

I arrive at Milan, I rush into your appartement, I have left everything to see you, to press you in my arms…you were not there; you run to towns where there are festivities; you leave me when I arrive, you do not care any more for your dear Napoleon. It was a caprice, your loving him, fickleness makes you indifferent to him. Accustomed to dangers, I know the remedy for worries and ills of life. The misfortune that overtakes me is incalcuble; I had the right to be spared this.

I shall be here till the 9th in the evening. Do not put yourself out; run after pleasures; happiness is made for you. The entire world is too glad to be able to please you, and only your husband is very, very unhappy.

Bonaparte

To Josephine, 1796

I have not spent a day without loving you; I have not spent a night without embracing you; I have not so much as drunk one cup of tea without cursing the pride and ambition which force me to remain apart from the moving spirit of my life. In the midst of my duties, whether I am at the head of my army or inspeting the camps, my beloved Josephine stands alone in my heart, occupies my mind, fills my thoughts. If I am moving away from you with the speed of the Rhone torrent, it is only that I may see you again more quickly. If I rise to work in the middle of the night, it is because this may hasten by a matter of days the arrival of my sweet love. (…)

My spirit is heavy; my heart is fettered and I am terrified by my fantasies…You love me less; but you will get over the loss. One day you will love me no longer; at least tell me, then I shall know how I have come to deserve this misfortune…Farwell, my wife: the torment, joy, hope, and moving spirit of my life; whom I love, whom I fear, who fills me with tender feelings which draw me close to Nature, and with violent impulses as tumultuous as thunder. I ask of you neither eternal love, nor fidelity, but simply…truth, unlimited honesty. The day when you say ‘I love you less’, will mark the end of my love and the last day of my life. If my heart were base enough to love without being loved in return I would tear it to pieces. Josephine! Josephine! Remember what I have sometimes said to you: Nature has endowed me with a virile and decisive character. It has built yours out of lace and gossamer. Have you ceased to love me? Forgive me, love of my life, my soul is racked by confliting forces.

My heart, obsessed by you, is full of fears which prostrate me with misery…I am distressed not to be calling you by name. I shall wait for you to write it.

Farwell! Ah! If you love me less you can never have loved me. In that case I shall truly be pitiable.

Bonaparte

From: Love Letters of Great Men

How drastic and elaborate. Every metaphore is likened to matters as serious as life or death. Terrible in part, but so striking and enticing on the other hand. People don’t write like this anymore. There is just no adrenaline driving such grave words out of us. Are we empty or is this evolution? I fear this dead end.

P/S: Updating this blog is overrated! xP

So hold me when I’m here
Right me when I’m wrong
Hold me when I’m scared
And love me when I’m gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I’ll never let you down
Even if I could
I’d give up everything
If only for your good

Update! Everything’s fine. I’m keeping myself busy with Rag. Life is…..calm.

And I didn’t do well. I’m better at handling bad news now. Really, what is there to do. Doing badly is not going to deter me from working hard to turn this around next time. The war is not over right, it’s only another semester, another battle lost. This is just more motivation, I can do better next time!

It’s time I take my own advice. I’ve always been first to tell people to find things that interests them, and not everyone can study. Now I realise I can’t too! But it’s okay, I checked, I’m pretty sure I’m still alive, bad results at school didn’t kill me!! Apparently, life moves on.

I’ll be back in Singapore tomorrow. Excited about rag. Miss the sight of HDB flats and smooth roads. I’m gonna miss home and my favourite people here.

Being with you
Is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go

‘Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you

yesterday morning i woke up late, and only because my bro woke me up because weychin was waiting in her car outside my gate. oops. haha. she idiot la, tell me 11 sth 12 but come at 11, i set my alarm at 11 lor, but i keep snoozing i take weychin’s patience for granted, don’t hate me chin i always make ppl wait for me haha, i make jian hui wait for me to go to lecture, i make the block commers wait for me to go out for block comm dinner but i swear it’s not on purpose. if on purpose means, i am a punctual person. seriously. anyway, then weychin and me went to taman sentosa to tapau pai kut peng back to her house. then we pick up joanne because she wanted to enquire about a course in taylors, wey chin also had to go to college to collect video camera anyway. at taylors i met gayathree whom i haven’t seen since i went to singapore last year. what a coincidence. she hugged me so tight. i love it when the world surprises me by being so small. then me and chin and joanne went to sunway pyramid. me and chin people watched, got this arguing couple, we watch them from a level above, then we call the level below our movie level. then we wonder if the level above us is watching us, but nobody watching us, we’re a boring movie:( haha but got 2 perverted guys staring at us, weychin wanted to show them what a samseng poh she is, but i dragged her away haha. she very samseng poh, the whole day in the car screaming at all the drivers, ‘bitch @$~$!%!%R!@# hon sai ah hon #$!@#%@$%’, u get the picture. and then i bought a bottle of water for 1.40 because i took the one in the fridge, the one outside only 90 cents. emo. haha nola. i also saw this japanese cloth thing that i want to hang outside my hall room, but it was 99 dollars omg. emo. anyway, what else did we do, we went into shops lor, and never buy anything, we weren’t really in the mood, both also quite broke. i got no msian money. after that we went home, then i helped my pa to type out meeting minutes for this association that he’s in. he is the secretary but dun even know how to use email properly lor, i dunno what will happen after i go back spore. he asked me to teach him but these things cannot pick up so fast 1 what. then brian, jason and kacua pick me up and we went to mcd to eat ice-cream for abit. but brian claim tht mcd is not suitable for him to emo, so we went to buy otai burger which is trying to be the new ramly, otai claims to be fat-free, it is also taste-free. fatty ramly much better. then we went to the yingyang spot in front of the lake near my house, and eat burget and emomomomomo. actually not really, i got nothing to emo about currently. we talk talk until 230 like that, then they want to go back cause got fb match at 245. i come home time, my family all sleep alr.
basically, everyday at home now my life is like that. going to melbourne on thurs, then after that, i got plans to go to bukit ceraka with weychin to go cycling, and prawning with kk, and out wif chern and ed, wish ivan is around , and gonna meet xuan + 1 and mithran haha this 1 i am excited to see. so far that’s what i have, i miss hall already, mostly zen and val. oh lordy lordy. gonna be so sad when val is not around next sem. i miss other hall people too, they’re really like family to me, we spend so much time together, i even miss having schoolwork. i wish i can transport myself between klang and spore in an instant. when i’m here i miss there, and vice versa. oh ya! i must meet sonny too before i go back. i wish i could be there for everyone. i’m gonna savour every bit of my remaining 3 years in university. okay, i update whoever’s reading later.

ps: god typing like this is killing me. i’ll revert back to my old style. this is just a momentary lapse.