I have written so many unpublished posts without even realising it! I can’t publish something unless I’m absolutely sure that my post was complete, and the collected drafts are all flawed somehow.

I actually started writing about my first love, and hesitantly I went, more and more difficult as I continued. What was my purpose in writing it down? Would stating it blatantly make those feelings concrete because, it was, so irresolute and inconclusive. I just don’t think I am at the position to discuss the feelings that are just bubbling around chasing each other-trying so hard to remember details that made it as wonderful as it was.

Come to think of it, it’s not that long ago, but maybe it was just too painful to remember, I chose to forget. How can I ever do the story justice because for so long, it was my own story and I never got the chance to understand the other side of the picture. I know, I don’t make any sense! But really, that was what it was, a big blur. I myself long for the day when I will truly understand it. So, no, I cannot yet write about my first love.

And then, I wanted to write about my friends, and how much I honestly love them. As little as you love me back, on the other side of the spectrum, I want so much of happiness for you. And you must know that. You must know that no matter how little I say, the fact that you are even reading this, irregardless of how deeply we know each other, I can love you as a perfect stranger and want the very best for you as a perfect stranger, because you do deserve it.

I feel so strongly that it is essential for people to know this because so often, I stamp my foot and think selfishly because I think I deserve it. I couldn’t publish it because, while I stamp one foot, the other foot remains-as my conscience controls my heart. When I write something unhappy and silly, I wonder if this is what I want people to read, whether writing angry feelings would make other people think that it is okay to be angry? Sometimes I get angry and childish but I just hope that people do remember that it’s just a moment and that deep inside, I am not angry and not childish and deep inside, I care.

This is important to me because I want to forever believe in someone and forever believe that people deserve chances to prove themselves and be better than what they were. I know it’s wishful thinking, but if we never wholeheartedly believe in someone, how can someone wholeheartedly believe in us? And we all need someone who believes in us unshakeably.

p/s: This post is an absolute mess. I don’t think anyone will read it because they’ll get confused and dunno what I mean haha..sorry. But I’m tired and I don’t feel like restructuring it all. So…haiyah blogging only, no need so serious lah.